I'm hanging in there today...despite a very rough night. I just got a call from my mother in law who was very worried about me. I admit I really wanted to lose it last night. I found out something which hurt me right to my very core last night. My Dad did something to me which he knew would hurt me but he didn't care...it's just what he does. I got extremely upset and called my mom and had a really long talk with her about it. I also had a talk with my sister about it all. I really needed support and love last night. I felt so extremely emotionally abandoned by my father this last year. He continues to try to find very mean ways to hurt me over and over again. He also continues to hurt those who are close to my heart. I *really* wanted a drink last night. I was intensely craving one to relieve the pain I was feeling inside. But...I did not have one and I did not ask Master Anakin to even go to the liquor store. It would have been an easy excuse to get him to go for me but I didn't want to do that. I've been using alcohol for a crutch for too long and it's not healthy. I know sometimes I just want to feel numb and alcohol can do that..
My Dad gets under my skin like no one else...no one else can upset me and get right to the core on my being the way my dad does. It's like he sticks a knife into my heart and twirls it around deep. I have realized that I will never be close to him...that he is a biological father but that he's also a poison to me. I need to stay away from him and I chose to no longer have anything more to do with him.
I'm so proud of myself that I got through last night without a drop of alcohol. I was able to cope with my emotional pain by talking it out with Master Anakin. I also had a really deep conversation with my mom and felt close to her last night. I'm glad at least one parent truly loves me and is there for me. She told me that I am "beautiful and that she loves me". I'm so grateful to have the support system ...maybe there isn't too many people I'm close to but at least I got some family left, even if I am never going to be close to my dad again.
I could have let that news destroy me and cave with my diet and exercise and drinking. But I didn't...
I exercised on the elliptical today for 15 minutes and plan to walk to the school this afternoon. I'm still doing my detox kit and I'm drinking lots of water and eating healthy. Although I don't feel 100% strong still...I'm trying to hang in there and get through the emotinonal feelings inside without turning to alcohol or binge eating which I like to do for comfort and to help me through. I'm an emotional eater and stress makes me want to eat crappy. I won't let that happen though...I'm going to get through this and I'll be ok.
May the force be with you.
~padme amidala
6 comments:
Padme,
My dear friend, I am so sorry to hear about your dad. Parents can be unusually cruel and hurt us in the most sensitive parts of our heart and soul.
However, on the bright side, you're awesome for not giving in to the cravings! That's really an accomplishment, I hope you know that truly. I am such an emotional eater, I know how hard it is not to give in when things seem so hard. I'm jumping around and cheering for you today! You got over a huge mountain there.
Keep up the great work! It's awesome to be doing this detox with you and having your support and encouragement!
XOXO
Shasta
Dear padme,
I am so very proud of you! I know there was plenty of enticement, that could have led you to binge or drink and you resisted it. That is fantastic!
Is there any way you can cut your dad off so totally that you don't even hear anything about him? It might be a good idea, if you can. At least you have no illusions about him.
Best wishes and big hugs,
Kallisto
To be able to be such a spiteful, uncaring parent speaks volumes about your father's character.
To be able to find from within you such a positive reaction to such a poisonous relationship speaks volumes about your character.
I'm SO proud of you and I want you to remember that if you can do this once, you know you have this ability in the future; that there IS a fantastic alternative to emotional eating and alcohol. Remember, success and happiness is a fantastic reward and a great revenge. Do not buy into that man's negativity. You are wonderful and beautiful and I love you!
Anakin
Hi Padme,
I am sorry you are having to deal with so many emotional situations at a time when you are starting such a new part of your life. I am so proud of you for not drinking even though your father hurt you so much. I think that it is so mean for a father to hurt his daughter like that and I am sad you have to go through it. But you are doing so well and you have so many friends rooting for you!
Remember, what doesn't kill you only makes you stronger. :)
Big Hugs
Thank you kallisto, Shasta, SD and Master for your support and comments on the diet blog. It really helps me a lot and motivates me and means the world to me. BIG HUGS to everyone!
padme amidala
Hey padme...I'm sorry about your dad.
I had some family members like that in my life too. Used to drink over them all the time myself. I made a choice just like you to evict them from my life.
It was a good choice. I have no regrets about that and some of them have been out of my life for 20 years and have passed away since I last saw them.
It is taking care of yourself to make such choices. good for you.
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