I really don't wanna

I just started my period this morning with cramps and feeling awful. It's also rainy and dark out and I just feel drained and yucky. I don't wanna do anything. I don't wanna work out. I don't wanna think about my diet. I wanna go to McDonald's and Wal mart and get chocolate and eat crappy. I wanna have a drink so I can not feel these damn cramps. I just wanna have a day where I do nothing at all and just be irritable in my own little world.

PMS and periods have got to be the worst for diets and exercise. I have zero energy and just feel so drained that I don't even want to go for my walk this afternoon. Of course the rain doesn't exactly help with that. Walking in the rain sucks.

I know I havn't been keeping up very well with this blog. I am doing a lot of struggling with my diet right now. I'm glad at least I am forced to walk everyday and it helps me to stay focused on exercising. But the diet seems to come and go. I have good days and bad ones. Weekends tend to be harder to stay on track. Even on Saturday I did have some alcohol and it's been hard to stay fully sober in September. I do know that on the positive end of the things...I am not drinking like I was in the summer. I feel better about that aspect.

I really want to get some chocolate right now. I'm considering walking down to Wal mart later to get some. At least I'll be walking extra to get it so that burns some extra calories. Maybe I can find a chocolate type of treat which is not too fatty too. Even hot chocolate today would be nice with the colder rainy weather and period going on.

I need to keep focused on my goals. Only 5 more pounds to lose by my birthday and I can give myself a treat and celebrate on my first milestone on this diet. I'm at 195 and I'd love to get to 190 by Oct. 14th.

Only a few weeks til my birthday and Rasputins. I need to focus on that goal and how I know I can do it if I really put my mind to it and get back on track. Of course it would help for my period to be over and these cravings and awful feelings to go away first...

May the force be with you.

~padme amidala

Trying to keep motivated

I havn't blogged here in a few days and I wanted to force myself to write a post today. It's been a extremely long day and I didn't sleep well last night but I wanted to motivate myself to keep going. There will be rough days along the journey but I can't give up. Today I had the opposite problem than usual. Usually I eat when I am stressed out. Today I didn't want to eat at all. My tummy felt sick and I lost my appetite. Something happened which really upset me and made me feel ill. Master Anakin came home from work early and got us Subway to eat. He offered me the chance to have a drink tonight if I needed it. I admit I was really craving one today...so much stress going on and I like it as crutch. I havn't had a drop though despite that craving deep inside. I know that I am strong and I don't need it. I can get through my rough day and be strong.

I love that line "live, laugh, love". It reminds me what I should be doing...living and laughing more and loving.

I have weigh in coming up in a few days. I'm a little bit nervous but I know I've kept on track this week with my walking. I had to walk to the school this morning. I sure didn't want to but I had to. It's forced walking and helps me to stay on track with my goals.

I didn't get to see the Biggest Loser last night. I was at a Epicure Spice party and had a really good time. I did snack a bit on some chocolate brownies there but they were hard to resist. They were baked with the Epicure pure cocoa which is to die for! It's truly amazing...so chocolate like and good. :) I figured a treat wouldn't be bad though because I've been trying to be good on my diet lately.

I'm looking forward to a good night's sleep tonight. I feel like I really need it. I know it will help focus me and I'm hoping to get some work out done on the elliptical tommorow.

May the force be with you.

~padme amidala

Another pound

I updated my ticker to show that I have lost another pound. I am down 3 pounds since starting my new diet and fitness two weeks ago. I wished I had lost more this week but I did have some slip ups and didn't work out on Friday other than my afternoon walk to the school. Yesterday I did not work out and also splurged at the buffet at River Rock casino. It was all so delicious and I couldn't help but pig out on my favorite foods. I did notice my stomach has shrunk a bit. Normally I would have eaten more but I couldn't. It didn't take as long to get full. I'm trying to keep up with my drinking water too although I don't think I had enough yesterday. I also did have some merlot last night for a treat as it was an overnight and special night.

I'm back on track today with it. I am going out for lunch and plan to make sure I drink lots of water with my meal. Master Anakin seems to be losing a lot more weight than I am. I admit it's a bit frustrating. I expected to lose more weight than only one pound. A pound is a pound though...I am 3 pounds lighter than two weeks ago. I know that I can't give up....I am strong and I can do it! :)

May the force be with you.

~padme amidala

The tough day of the week...Wednesday

Wednesday is always my tough day. My father in law golfs so I have to walk both ways today. I had to walk to and from the school this morning and will have to do it again this afternoon. I know that this is always a tough one cause I'll be very tired by the end of the day. I'm not used to all this walking. It feels good though. I find that exercising in the morning gets me into a certain state of mind for my diet. I was up early this morning too...so I'm a bit tired already and I havn't done my afternoon walk yet.

I have also put my fruit bowl out and filled it with fresh fruit ready to eat. Right now I'm having a apple. Yummm! I never thought I'd be eating an apple for a snack but I'm craving good foods right now. Putting it into the drawer was not a very good idea because it was too out of sight. I didn't ever think about the fruit. Now it's there for me to see and remind me to eat it. It helps to fill me up without the junk food I was used to eating for a snack.

I watched a show last night called the Biggest Loser and I have added the link to it on my side bar. It inspired me a lot and made me do a lot of thinking. My biggest concern about the show is that people seem to be losing the weight but they are doing it very fast. One older man lost the most weight by losing 30 pounds in a week!! That just seemed nuts to me. The training almost looked a bit too intense for people that were not used to working out at all. I thought it was all about small steps? It seems to me that it might be harder to keep it off by losing so fast like that. The site does look good and has some good information on it though so I plan to read more of that. I just thought they should measure more than just loss on a scale and it just seemed very competitive to me...maybe a bit too competitive? It's hard on one's body to lose weight that quickly and that much. The one woman has lost 20 pounds in a week! How on earth would that affect your body? I'll continue to watch the show because I found it did have helpful tips on it and also was inspiring to watch people with real weight struggles trying to lose the weight. The one part of the show had a table full of junk foods and stuff they were eating which was bad for them...and that really made me think about what I was eating all summer.

I've had a pretty clean week...no slip ups the last few days and no alcohol or chocolate. I'm very proud of myself. :)

May the force be with you.

~padme amidala

Changes in me..

I have been noticing some changes starting to happen with my new diet and fitness. My body is starting to firm up a bit and my face doesn't look so bloated. My tummy is feeling better and I'm not as bloated. My bowel movements have become more regular and better. I've got a bit more energy than normal although I get very tired at night now. Last night I was so extremely tired from not sleeping well the night before. I was glad for the early bedtime and catching up on my sleep. I feel much better today. I find that I can go one night without much sleep but two nights and I start to really get cranky.

Today I walk this afternoon and tommorow I walk both ways in the morning and afternoon to the school. I'm eating really healthy. I've filled the fruit bowl so there is always some fruit to snack on. I'm also drinking my green tea in the evenings which helps me to relax and flush out toxins. I am done my detox kit now and notice the effects of it. My body is less bloated and just running a lot better than before. I'm very happy with it. :)

I'm proud of myself that I didn't let what happened with my Dad on Sunday affect my eating or drinking. I normally would have turned to alcohol but I didn't. It made me feel really good inside to know he didn't affect me in the usual ways he does when he does stuff to hurt me. I've been working a lot on my mental health and getting stronger mentally and feeling better and out of the deep dark hole I was in over the last part of summer. My depression scared me a lot...I didn't want to go on medication again. I was determined to climb out and I'm doing way better than I was before.

My birthday is coming up and I really want to be more fit and healthy by then. I'm very excited about Oct. 13th and Rasputin Restraunt and our overnight. I won't be dieting on my birthday for that but I do plan to work my butt off til that day so I can really treat myself to those perogies and yummy Russian food...mmmm

There are good positive changes happening for me mentally and physically and I'm really happy...

May the force be with you.

~padme amidala

New habits and moderation

I did thirty minutes cardio (split between stationary bike and treadmill) again today and yesterday. Yahoo! It's been quite a change this week and last from some previous lunchtimes before starting to work out. In those, I would drive to McDonald's and get an extra value meal (double burger, fries, coke). I'm NOT counting calories, but I do know working out and eating a healthy lunch is a much better choice and habit to get into. I've lots of new habits to make and old one's to break; I won't be changing all of them at once nor will I be perfect in the attempt.

Moderation is vital for me. I can't eat or diet or live in absolutes. I wont work out absolutely every lunch, nor will I absolutely NEVER drive and treat myself to fast food. I refuse to say I will never eat any one particular food I enjoy. This fitness is great, I feel the benefits, and I'll keep going, but it has and I have to be realistic. It's how often I eat well and exercise versus eating poorly and not exercising that will make a big difference in my overall health and weight over time.

Anakin

Hanging in there

I'm hanging in there today...despite a very rough night. I just got a call from my mother in law who was very worried about me. I admit I really wanted to lose it last night. I found out something which hurt me right to my very core last night. My Dad did something to me which he knew would hurt me but he didn't care...it's just what he does. I got extremely upset and called my mom and had a really long talk with her about it. I also had a talk with my sister about it all. I really needed support and love last night. I felt so extremely emotionally abandoned by my father this last year. He continues to try to find very mean ways to hurt me over and over again. He also continues to hurt those who are close to my heart.

I *really* wanted a drink last night. I was intensely craving one to relieve the pain I was feeling inside. But...I did not have one and I did not ask Master Anakin to even go to the liquor store. It would have been an easy excuse to get him to go for me but I didn't want to do that. I've been using alcohol for a crutch for too long and it's not healthy. I know sometimes I just want to feel numb and alcohol can do that..

My Dad gets under my skin like no one else...no one else can upset me and get right to the core on my being the way my dad does. It's like he sticks a knife into my heart and twirls it around deep. I have realized that I will never be close to him...that he is a biological father but that he's also a poison to me. I need to stay away from him and I chose to no longer have anything more to do with him.

I'm so proud of myself that I got through last night without a drop of alcohol. I was able to cope with my emotional pain by talking it out with Master Anakin. I also had a really deep conversation with my mom and felt close to her last night. I'm glad at least one parent truly loves me and is there for me. She told me that I am "beautiful and that she loves me". I'm so grateful to have the support system ...maybe there isn't too many people I'm close to but at least I got some family left, even if I am never going to be close to my dad again.

I could have let that news destroy me and cave with my diet and exercise and drinking. But I didn't...

I exercised on the elliptical today for 15 minutes and plan to walk to the school this afternoon. I'm still doing my detox kit and I'm drinking lots of water and eating healthy. Although I don't feel 100% strong still...I'm trying to hang in there and get through the emotinonal feelings inside without turning to alcohol or binge eating which I like to do for comfort and to help me through. I'm an emotional eater and stress makes me want to eat crappy. I won't let that happen though...I'm going to get through this and I'll be ok.

May the force be with you.

~padme amidala

The long road ahead

After the initial enthusiasm of beginning a weight loss journey, after the first weigh-in, the road ahead can seem very long and the goal very distant. Of course, this isn't when to quit, it's when to keep going; I now know it will be a long journey, but a journey worth taking. Perhaps it's best to focus on closer milestones, too, not the distant, seemingly unreachable horizon.

It can be frustrating at how slow the weight comes off, and it can make you want to throw in the towel and have that bad food you've been resisting so well; but it isn't that easy. That would just make me feel worse, not better, so I continue to not want to eat the foods that made me fat in the first place. I WANT to be thinner, I NEED to be healthier. So the journey continues, though the road is long and challenging.

It can be discouraging as well after focusing on my weight for a week to know just how overweight I really am. Dieting makes you face your issues head on. Unlike ignoring the problems or denying that yes, I am indeed, overweight. This CAN be a good thing, I guess. I mean, I REALLY want to work out hard now, because I want this damn weight to be SO gone. Weight loss is as much an emotional ride as a physical one.

Five pounds lost last week DOES feel great, though I fear it might all have been water loss?! Who knows. The journey continues towards that distant horizon.

Anakin

Sunday weigh in

We had our Sunday weigh in this morning. Master Anakin has lost 5 pounds this week and I have lost 2 pounds. I'm down to 196. It was a successful week for both of us. No punishment spankings for me this week! I'm so glad that I am starting to lose. I've got more energy and feeling better than last weekend. I did have a small slip last night and drank a bit of cooler as did Master Anakin. He wanted to have a drink with UFC last night and it was too tempting so I had a small drink. I do plan to get back onto the wagon and keep up with trying to remain sober. My biggest problem is with will power...when someone is right there in front of me it is way too hard to resist. Whether it's chocolate or alcohol or anything else ....when it's right there in sight, I want it and I can't hold back.

I had a pretty clean week though with my eating and exercising every day and trying to stay sober. I felt pretty guilty last night...had just written about having a sober weekend and then had a bit to drink after I wrote that. But I'm not going to feel bad....I slip up...I'm human and it's hard sometimes. I'm back on the wagon today and still going forward with my journey to better health and fitness.

May the force be with you.

~padme amidala

A clean and sober weekend

It's been a clean and sober weekend for me. I am pretty giddy tonight and wide awake after a large coffee and pastry that I had at Fort Langley today for a snack. I did have a picnic lunch down at the Fraser River today (put up a picture today from it) which was Subway and healthy sandwiches with lots of veggies. I felt like I really need a sugar lift this afternoon. I think my blood sugar has been a bit low the last few days. I was trying to cut out so much all at once including my pop. Today I had some coke to drink when I came home too and it perked me right up. I'm feeling good and relaxed after a day out in the sunshine.

Last night it was hard to stay sober. I wanted a drink so bad. I did have some crystal light which helped a lot. My detox kit is doing well and my colon has been pretty cleaned out. I have had a lot of loose bowel movements the last few days with the colon cleanser. It has made my tummy less bloated and feeling firmer.

I really needed a day out and I'm glad that even though I splurged a bit on some bear claws and coffee and pop that I still had a clean week. I do weigh in tommorow and I'm feeling very confident that I've lost some weight.

I did some hiking around the beach down at the Fraser River. It felt good to have a work out outside today and I really enjoy hiking a lot. Tommorow I hope to do box and do some elliptical.

May the force be with you.

~padme amidala

Sober weekend ahead

I exercised today. I boxed for ten minutes and then elliptical for another ten minutes this morning. I'm eating clean and staying on track. I have to admit that it's been really hard...I want to walk to Wal mart and buy chocolate or go by the liquor store. I know that this isn't allowed and I'm really trying to be good and strong. My inner insecurities are going nuts today. I don't feel very confident or strong...I want to give into my strong cravings...I miss my merlot and chocolate on Friday nights.

Master is renting us a movie tonight. Hopefully it can give me something to focus on to get my mind off those cravings that call to me. I did a post today on Journey to the Darkside about my sex drive. I sure wish I could get it back somehow. The depression and changes going on inside of me have caused it to go away. I'm usually so sexual and love to think about it and fantasize about it.. hopefully it will come back soon. I sure miss it.

The detox kit seems to be flushing toxins out of my body. My bowels have been moving better and my energy seems a bit more up than usual. I also am peeing constantly. My kidneys are probably better than they have ever been...I've been drinking water constantly. Crystal light is awesome as I feel like I'm having a fruity drink but it's so low cal.

That quote is speaking loudly to me right now..."Do or do not. There is no try." It is my favorite quote from any movie. I know right now...there is do or do not. I can't say I'm going to try to be sober...I WILL be sober. I have made a promise to Master, to my friend's, to my diet buddie's, to my family, to my kid's and to myself....I will be sober and I will get through!! I need to be positive and think of that quote when it gets tough time weekend and I'm craving my alcohol. Urg...this is going to be hard but I know I'll make it through...

I'm going out shortly for my walk to the school. It's family picnic day and I'm meeting my mother in law down at the school to have it with my kid's. She told me she's bringing pizza. Oh man!! That is going to be hard to resist. I decided I would have one slice of it and then bring some side dishes like carrots and fruit to snack on so I don't just eat pizza.

May the force be with you.

~padme amidala

Balancing the scale

I had great workouts again yesterday and today; 30 more minutes each day of nice and hard cardio. It's all in anticipation of a weigh in on Sunday that I'm maybe focusing on too much. Sometimes the numbers on the scale can mess with your mind and your motivation. I have a love hate relationship with my bathroom scale.

That scale just isn't fair sometimes. If, for example, I've lost some fat but gained some muscle, I'm much healthier, right? But the scale doesn't reflect this; it might only show that my weight hasn't changed. Poor women and their weight gain during that time of the month, too. Also consider that too big a weight loss might not mean your overdoing it; it might just mean you had a bad week last weigh in and you're doing everything right. It's the overall loss or trend that's important. Don't let the scale mess with your motivation.

The scale also made me consider the fine balancing act that weight loss is; a balance between working out too much (leading to injury, lack of time for the other parts of your life, and loathing working out), and working out too little (leading to lack of weight loss, discouragement, and failure). It's also a balance between eating too little (leading again to starvation, slowing your body metabolism, losing muscle mass, cravings, failure, and lack of weight loss) and eating too much (no weight loss, guilt over overeating, leading too failure).

So here comes the first weigh in on Sunday. I'm totally curious, but trying to take whatever number comes up in stride. Just keep going and don't quit, I remind myself. Right now, motivation isn't a problem; I love working out. Oddly, the scale can be a great motivator too. Wanting a really good loss on Sunday has kept me away from the junk food and kept me working out hard. The journey to the lightside continues.

Anakin

The gloves come on

Today I decided to put the boxing gloves on for the first time in a very long time. And boy did that feel good!! I was so proud of myself. I'm quite out of shape and it didn't take me too long to get a sweat going but I really enjoyed the stress release of hitting that bag as hard as I could many times. I also like to kick the bag too to get my legs working. Thank you Rocky Balboa for inspiring me today!! I watched the motivational video on the side bar with Rocky training and then decided to get the gloves on. It felt good. I did about 10 minutes of intense boxing on the bag and then had to stop because I was out of breath. I came upstairs and got right onto the elliptical trainer. I watched the food Network while using it. I like having it in the livingroom now. It really helped to kill the time while on it. I was about to do 10 minutes on the elliptical. Yesterday I only was able to do 5 minutes. So that felt good. I felt proud of myself. I had sweat coming down my face and I was tired after but it felt good. :)

Yesterday I was so tired that it didn't take me long to go to sleep. I walked in the morning and afternoon to get my kid's. The afternoon one almost killed me....I literally laid on the couch with my shoes still on and watched my soap for an hour straight without hardly moving. lol. It hurt but it felt good. That damn hilll gets me every time. It is better than a treadmill....it makes you work hard to get up it and burns like hell in the legs when you get up it. Reminds of Rocky climbing that mountin for training in Rocky 4...when I get to the top of it I feel like I have done a major acomplishment.

This weekend coming up is going to be tough...it will be my first sober weekend in a very long time. I'm used to partying on the weekends and this is going to be weird to not have one drop of alcohol. I am going to miss my Friday night of merlot in the hot bath. It's always helped me to relax. Perhaps others can give me ideas on beverages to have in the bath which are non-alcoholic and delicious. I need something to replace that wonderful feeling of being so relaxed in the bath with my merlot.

I'm on day 3 of my detox kit. I noticed today that I have a slight headache and a bit of irritability. I know it's normal though. It says on the instruction book that:

"During the first three days of your 7-day whole body detx, it is not uncommon to experience a transitional phase. This transitional time is when your body begins to more effectively neutralize and eliminate accumulated toxins. Some individuals report experiencing minor headaches, skin blemishes, halitosis, irritability and other symptoms assoicated with this phase of cleaning. These symptoms will lessen each day as your body gradually and gently cleanses itself of a wide range of toxic substances"

Note to self: Make sure to watch the Rocky motivational video every morning before working out. It reminds me the benefits of boxing and how good it feels to get into shape and be healthy. I love that Rocky song...it is on my Ipod and I love to listen to it...makes me want to box and get in shape when I hear it. It reminds me of Rocky and his struggles...and that I'm strong and I can do it!

May the force be with you.

~padme amidala

Fitness goals

I had a great workout today; sweating, panting, 15 minutes of treadmill (running) and 15 minutes of exercise bike. Physically, I feel little things already, moving seems easier, my circulation feels better, more flexible, and a bit more get up and go, perhaps some mental benefits in being more positive too. I'm both fearing and looking forward to Sunday's weigh in. It shouldn't be the only motivation, and it isn't, and it shouldn't be too discouraging if it's too little a loss once in a while; it WILL get better and I WONT quit.

I wanted to share my personal fitness goals or milestones on my way to my ultimate weight goal. My starting weight is 219 pounds.

210 pounds by October 1st - reward, a book from Chapters bookstore
204 pounds by Mid-October - reward, a great date out with padme
190 pounds by December 1st - reward, a DVD purchase or movie in the theatre
180 pounds by Christmas / January 1st - reward, a game or something cool for the computer
170 pounds by February 14th (Valentine's day) - reward, another great date with padme
155 pounds by April 1st (goal) - reward, fit and strong and keeping it off for the summer!

I have 7 months to go and I KNOW I can do this. If I can do it in 6 months, that's great, too.

Anakin

Goals and rewards for me

I had a bit of a tough night last night. I admit I really wanted a drink. It was my Grandma's birthday and she's in really poor health and it upsets me so I want to drink. I know during many parts of my life during the rough times...alcohol has gotten me through. It is my comfort...my crutch. I have been thinking about it a lot lately...thinking that I have a real problem with alcohol and that I need to maybe make more changes than just staying sober in september. Perhaps I need to stay sober longer and try to cut back or cut it out together. Of course...thinking about cutting alcohol out forever really scares me.

Even when I was pregnant and not drinking, I remember thinking that I knew one day I could again and that got me through. Quitting forever is so scary. And I'm not sure I could do that alone. If that happens..I would need help to get clean. I am thinking about using this time in September to figure out what my problem is with alcohol. Why do I turn to it? I think I am going to go by the local library and take out some books and try to do some reading this month.

I watched 28 days last night and did some crying last night before bed. It's hard to admit I've got a problem. It's hard to admit that I am out of control lately with my drinking. It's hard to admit that there have been many points in my life that I was out of control with my drinking...

Today I woke up and felt more focused with going for my walk down to the school. It felt good to be out in the morning crisp air and sunshine. I did have a bit of a hard time going up that damn hill and was a bit out of breath but it felt good. I came in and did 5 minutes on the elliptical before my legs were too tired and I had to stop. I plan to walk again today later to get the kid's from school. I also am on day 2 of the detox kit and eating clean. I have my water with crystal light in it right now by the computer and trying to make sure to drink lots of extra water to flush out the toxins.

I wanted to write down my goals for myself today and also rewards for reaching the goals. That way it will motivate me to reach them and give me something to look forward to.

Current weight - 198 pounds
Weigh in days - Sunday mornings (with Master Anakin)

Goals - To lose 8 pounds and get to 190 by Oct. 14th which is my 35th birthday
Reward for losing 8 pounds - a day out by myself. To go to chapters or a movie or out for the day with no kid's and by myself and splurge on a new book. Perhaps a new fitness book or something to motivate and encourage me.

Goal - To lose ten pounds by middle of November and get down to 180.
Reward for losing ten pounds - I will treat myself to something sexy from La Senza or Love Nest. Perhaps some lingerie for my new figure or a new toy. :)

Goal - To lose another 15 pounds by Christmas or New Year's getting down to my goal of 165 pounds which is where I was two years ago.
Reward for losing 15 pounds - I will treat myself to some sexy new things at the Sex Show in January and also some new clothes for my new figure. I'd love a sexy new pair of jeans when I get down to this weight. :)

I hope by the New Year I will be back to where I was and getting set to maintain the weight or lose a bit more. These are my goals for my weight loss journey.

This month I won't be drinking alcohol and trying to cut out chocolate and sugar and fats from the diet. I have added green tea each night to my choice of drink before bed. I am taking the detox kit and drinking lots more water each day. I plan to exercise daily to help reach my goals. I do walk to and from school but I also want to add in some elliptical each day to help eventually being able to do the elliptical for a half hour instead of only five minutes before it gets me out of breath.

I don't eat red meats and I do eat chicken and seafood. I do plan to splurge a bit on Thanksgiving with turkey and also for my birthday. Master asked me what I wanted for my birthday and I said a meal at Rasputin's so I know I won't be dieting that day. I can't wait to taste the perogies there...yummmmmmy!

I am hoping to get a lot of daily support for my diet and to get diet buddies to be there for the journey. Also hope to do what I can to stay sober. Master said he would not buy me any alcohol or allow any drinking. I can do it!! I know I can and I need to stay focused...

May the force be with you.

~padme amidala

Demons and Angels

Something about making changes makes us face our demons, big and small. Like padme and her Starbucks, I've got mine. No booze, no chocolate, no disgustingly fatty "comfort" foods for September, hopefully longer. Not changing is easy; do nothing. Things will generally get worse, but it's easy in the short term. Alternatively, changing means you have to identity and face down your personal demons, your worst weaknesses and faults. It is the opposite of easy; but I'm starting to feel that for every demon, there's a personal Angel on the other side you have to find too, and THAT will get you there, to your goal, whatever it is.

My angels to battle my demons? The look in my slave's eye when she's happy, she needs me (or so it makes me feel good to think so, to feel needed), my children's hugs, they need me around too; the sunrise reminding me there is a new tomorrow, the sunset reminding me nothing is forever, so make it a great life. I'm sure if we all look we can find angels to battle our demons, big and small.

Did 30 minutes in the gym today; felt so good to feel so tired afterwards. The nobility isn't in the attempt, but in the not quitting in the face of adversity.

Anakin

Addicted to Starbucks

I swear I am addicted to Starbucks. I'm so glad there isn't one close by because I know I would be at it all the time. I love their coffee...perhaps a bit too much. lol. I like all the mochas and fraps and yummy chocolate drizzled on top with whipped cream. I go all out for my speciality coffees and they are tons of calories. This month I'll be giving those up and trying to find better low fat alternatives. I have bought a few different teas and plan to drink those at nights instead of my merlots and coronas. I've become too use to having my merlot to relax me during times of stress. I'm trying to find better alternatives to that.

I even started reading a positive book yesterday that my sister gave to me. It's called A Bend in the Road is Not the End of the Road by Joan Lunden. It's about 10 positive principles for dealing with change. My sister said it helped her a lot during times of change and depression. So I figured this would be a good time to read it and get inspired. I plan to watch a few different movies this month also to inspire me. 28 days is a great one I like to watch when I am trying to get clean. I saw a neat video on You Tube of that movie. I've been sober now since Sunday. I know...it's only 2 days but it's a huge deal to me. I'm not sure I went a day without a drink this summer. It was becoming a real problem for me and I want to clean out my body.

I started my detox kit this morning called Recleanse. Their link is on my sidebar. I'm so happy that my close friend, Shasta is also starting the kit herself for the first time. I love that we are doing it together. :)

I am drinking a lot more water today and noticing that I have to pee a lot more but that's a good thing because it is starting to flush all the toxins out of my body. I am back to my walking also...tommorow I have to walk in the morning and afternoon so I'll be getting a good workout. I'm making good choices today for my food. I even ate some carrots for a healthy snack. It's a lot better than the chips I usually have or chocolate. :)

Speaking of chocolate...I've given that up for a month also. My friend, good girl has joined me for giving that up for a month. trazure mentioned that she's going on Sober in September with me also. I'm so glad to not feel alone with all this...that there are others there for my journey.

It's all small steps towards a healthier me...it's a very exciting journey for me.

May the force be with you.

~padme amidala

Master's million dollar baby

I've been thinking a lot about my boxing. I really miss it sometimes. I miss the feeling of being able to punch the bag until all the emotions come out. Boxing was always a great way to relieve stress and feel strong again. I'm not sure why I gave it up. I've always enjoyed watching boxing and used to love it as a form as exercise. I've got the boxing bag hanging there right now just waiting for me to use it. I will go to get bread from the freezer downstairs and see it and do a few punches and feel that itch again to get back into it. For some reason though I never do.

One of my favorite movies was Million Dollar baby because of the whole plot of having a woman go into boxing. I was told for many years that it wasn't a woman's sport and that my dreams of wanting to go into it were stupid. "Women don't box" my Dad would say to me. He had bought our boxing bag for my brother to learn on but I would sneak down there and box on it when he was at work. During some of the abuse that happened...it really helped me to feel strong and to keep a hold of my dreams.

Maybe I need to become Master's million dollar baby again and get back into boxing. It's been so long but I really crave the feel of hitting that bag sometimes....

Today I start my strict diet. I'm not sure how I am going to go a whole month without chocolate or chips or alcohol. Yikes!! I know it's going to be very tough. There will be times I want to quit and I know Master won't let me. I have made a vow to be Sober in September and I will stick to it no matter what challenges come my way. I've let alcohol be my crutch too many times during family crisis's. I don't want to do that again. I want one month of being on detox and to clean my body of all the toxins.

Tommorow is day one of my Detox kit and my water increase and back into walking. I'm hoping that bringing our elliptical trainer upstairs also so I can watch TV and exercise at the same time will also make a difference. It's time to get serious and get strong again...

I'm sharing this link for myself to read tommorow when I get more time. It's the Doctor Oz diet from Oprah. I've seen him on a few of her shows and he seems to have a lot of information about bodies and health.

May the force be with you.

~padme amidala